CassieThe only reason I was able to go to learn freediving in Mexico in 2022 was because I had been medically disqualified from my job offer in Antarctica due to my cancer treatment being extended for almost another full year, so I was feeling particularly sensitive about my bodyβs capabilities. I had already quit my job back at home for the one in Antarctica plus my lease was up and I had an open visa waiting for me in New Zealand. So why not, right?
Because there is so little gear needed for freediving vs scuba diving, my initial assumption was that the entire process was easier.
It was not.
Because you are relying on one breath, freediving requires a calm your mind to slow your heart rate. I had been told that it can become meditative as you sit in the water and let your thoughts become calm. To do this though you canβt focus on anything that will keep you from finding peace. Convenient then, that I decided to get freediving certified in November 2022- one of the (perhaps THE) most painful times in my life.
On my first day there, we reviewed materials then headed to one of the cenotes in the area. To pass my certification I would have to dive 12 meters (39 feet), but our first day we only had to practice equalization and see how deep we could dive right off the bat. After the relaxation techniques were explained to me, I went for my first dive. I only made it 6m before anxiety crept in.
I had trouble equalizing correctly and had absolutely no idea how not to think about one of the several painful losses I was dealing with at the time. To help at least part of the process, I stayed later after class and went in early the next day to practice equalizing correctly. It was an unusual motion after learning how to equalize so differently with scuba, but I practiced repeatedly till I could get it.
The second day was unfortunately worse. I had a sinus blockage- something you shouldnβt dive with at all. I couldnβt dive headfirst without piercing pain shooting through my forehead. The anxieties sunk in deeper. Anyone with a chronic illness can guess the feeling of constantly being held back by their own body.
Disqualified from moving to Antarctica and Japan? Cancer.
Disqualified from Peacecorps and most other international humanitarian jobs? Multiple Sclerosis.
Difficulty eating, chronic discomfort, and constant aches? Undiagnosable digestive problems.
Constantly forgetting important things and living in chaos? ADHD.
Instead of diving, I chose to wade in the water and try to let things go. Leaving my face in, I breathed through my snorkel and focused on what I could see. I felt the gentle flow around me and really took in the light rays that shone from above. It wasnβt measurable progress, but it helped.
Day 3 began with tests in the pool. Completing certain swimming styles, lengths, and holding our breath for 1.5 minutes underwater (though I am happy to say that I was able to hold my breath for 2 full minutes). Passing these tests was great, but I could still feel the sinus blockage. Instead of going to the cenote with the others, my instructor and I agreed that I should take the next couple days off to let my sinuses clear. Trying to dive would only aggravate them further.
Two days later and my last day in Mexico, we met back up for the final attempt. Nerves building, this felt more like a battle between my mindβs determination vs my bodyβs capabilities. By the time we got to the cenote, I was a ball of anxiety. I knew I had to let that go, so I used the same techniques I had practiced on the second day. I got into the water and focused on feeling it around me. Another thing I like to do when Iβm feeling overly anxious is to try to zoom out on the problem.
You are enough.
This does not determine your worth.
You are not fighting against your body, your body is fighting for you.
Listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs.
I listened. I felt at peace. Then I dove. It was feet first to aggravate the sinuses less, and I dove 7 meters. The sinus blockage was gone! I put my fins on and dove headfirst the second time. A little farther this time; 10 meters. The anxiety still wanted to fight its way back up but holding myself in the water and repeating those mantras helped me let it go. We let the line go down farther so I could try for 12 meters. Eyes closed, breath in, and dive.
I made it.
I had reached the depth I needed to pass. This depth is so shallow compared to what so many freedivers can do, but to me it was incredible. I came up feeling elated, overjoyed, and so proud of myself. I dove down to that depth again to complete rescue dives and demonstrate other swimming methods, then we followed it up by doing one more dive. In the end, I reached a little over 15 meters- about 50 feet! I surfaced and immediately my eyes filled with tears. I had not felt this proud of what my body could do since the first time I ran a marathon.
My instructor also happened to be an underwater photographer, so we ended the session by playing around and seeing what magic we could make to end the day. I swam under caverns, through rays of light, and into the depths while being completely overjoyed. My greatest takeaway from my time freediving in Mexico though was how to find peace in the chaos. Loving and listening to my body instead of fighting against it is an ongoing battle for me, but this trip was a good reminder that rest and peace will bring me closer to my goals than burning out ever will.
